“Love yourself” is a theme, an anthem, for the world of holistic healing. With well-intentioned influencers putting this message all over social media it can feel a bit trite. How many times have you heard someone say, “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself?” Well that seems bleak, doesn’t it? Before I had done much healing, this phrase made me question whether I was destined to be alone my entire life. Because of my personal experiences, I know that growing from self hatred to self love is possible. I know that it takes time, practice, and patience. I especially know that it changes everything, and that it’s 100% worth the effort.

The idea of self love can come across as though it’s such a simple, basic thing that it should come effortlessly. Watch out for that word, “should.” If you’re saying it to yourself, there’s always some amount of guilt or shame, even if it is under the radar of your awareness. The truth is that genuine self love is only present in people who either received proper nurturance in every stage of their development (SO rare), or people who spent many years patiently cultivating it in their hearts and making many missteps along the way. If you have a hard time loving yourself, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It means that in some way or another, you received patterning that undermined your perception of your own goodness. But I’m here to tell you that the goodness is still there, it never left. Please don’t worry, there is love in your heart, I guarantee it. Go ahead and love, and be open to changing the way you love as you grow.

If you have a hard time loving yourself, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Many people find self love difficult, if not impossible, and the suggestion to love yourself can be triggering. You might think that the person who made this suggestion doesn't understand what a struggle it is. If that suggestion comes from someone you really respect, there may be some internal tension as your reality doesn't align with what they’re saying. This disconnect makes us wonder if we’re far more fucked up than we thought we were- it can be a hopeless feeling. I’ve met many people who clam up at the very idea of looking at themselves in a mirror. In a self-love meditation, I occasionally see someone’s eyes pop open as they proclaim, “I just can’t do this.” I feel deeply in my heart for people who live with this reality, since I’ve been there myself.

The thing is, self love really is important. Your body, mind, heart, and soul are all manifestations of Divinity, whatever that means for you, and That is love. When you direct negative thoughts and feelings inward at yourself, your true nature is hidden and the potential for lasting satisfaction is very far away. When you genuinely love yourself, your entire being vibrates at the frequency of the Divine which is your true nature. At this point, you’ve embodied the exquisiteness that you were always meant to be. When you commit to breaking free of patterns of self rejection you’ll notice yourself slowly changing into the person you always wished (and subconsciously you knew) you could be, despite the initial resistance.

Why is it so hard to love myself?

The reason why you’re resistant to shifting patterns of self-rejection is because they are created by your ego. Here’s an important fact to remember: every pattern you have was at one time an attempt to adapt to a difficult situation. At some point, in an effort to make sense of the world, your ego concluded that you must be unlovable, unworthy, etc. Why else would people be so cruel? Why else would such horrible things happen? The ego then began telling these stories each time you experienced anything that reminded you of the original pain. The story of “why I’m not good” and “this is my fault because” became the template for how you view yourself, the world, and the people around you. It’s behind the relationships that leave you feeling empty, the fear of asking for what you want, and the nagging dull ache of never being enough.

The longer the patterns are there, the more they seem to be an integral part of your identity. But here’s some great news- the patterns are not you. You are far more. To the ego, attempts to challenge these patterns feels like a threat. The ego never wants anything to change. And look out because the human ego is extremely adept at doing whatever is necessary to ensure its own preservation. It will use all the tricks at its disposal to make you give up. It will tell you that you’re not the one who needs to change, that it’s other people or the world around you. It will distract you with other problems, tell you change isn’t that important, shame you into thinking you should give up. There’s no end to what your ego can do to prevent you from changing, and when these messages come through you’ll think they’re messages from your own self. It will come into your mind as a thought, sometimes in your own voice, and sometimes in the voice of someone who’s put you down in the past. It’s like there’s a narcissist living in your head. This is why any kind of change is so difficult. 

I think it’s important to have a little more understanding about the ego, since it’s a part of your human experience and therefore worthy of respect and love. When a soul, which is a piece of Divinity Itself, comes to live in a physical form (body), there’s an illusion of individuality. A person looks and feels like they are separate from others, from the world around them, and from Divine One. This illusion is necessary since without it we might not have the boundaries necessary to protect ourselves from danger or the drive to provide for our material needs. The part of you that senses this separateness is the ego. In Sanskrit it is called “ahamkara” which literally means “I-making.” The ego is mostly an unconscious process that happens without our awareness. Since yoga philosophy is centered around increasing consciousness, it gives us a lot of suggestions on how to bring awareness and choice into how the ego interacts with the rest of our being. The idea is never to “obliterate” the ego. As long as you’re alive you’ll need it. But you can hone your ego into the service of wellbeing for yourself and others. The inner narcissist is not a hopeless case.

Steps for Growing Into Self Love

Now let’s talk about how you can start shifting the energy of self rejection towards the energy of your True Self, which is love. It’s good to remember this is a gradual process, so give yourself lots of space to explore and set your own pace. I’ve discovered that there are five stepping stones you can use to gradually increase your comfort level with this work, and they all flow naturally into each other. No need to rush, and no need to pressure yourself to perform. When you’re on this path, you have permission to slide backwards time and time again, strengthening your self regard in some areas while allowing more difficult areas to develop in their own time. Above all, it’s best to look at self love as a lifelong endeavor. There’s no point at which you’ll be able to say, “I’ve done it! Now I don’t have to think about it anymore!” While you’ll need to invest a lot of time and effort in the beginning, over time it will be easier. Just like a partnership, there will be times when you can relax and enjoy, and there will be times when you’ll need to put in more effort than usual. 

The stepping stones are self observation, equanimity, self acceptance, self compassion, and self love. As fate would have it, I found that one phrase from the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali is a helpful roadmap for us. 

Yoga Sutra 1.33 from Patanjali says:

maitri karuna muditopeksanam sukha duhkha punyapunya visayanam bhavanatas citta prasadanam

Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to learn to chant this or anything. Here’s my own translation of what the Sage Patanjali is saying:

Friendliness/love (to those who are happy) compassion (to those who are unhappy), delight (in those who are making progress), and equanimity (to those who are unawakened) brings ease and clarity to the mind that was troubled, and cleans away distractions to further your effort in merging into an undisturbed mind.  

This sutra is always translated as guiding our attitudes towards others in order to have a peaceful mind capable of merging with Divine, the ultimate goal of yoga. And caretaking our attitudes towards others really does go a long way in healing our patterns (samskara). But it’s vital to give focus to the way we view our own selves, since the frequencies we send out into the world originate within our hearts and will always be colored by the vibrations we carry inside. It is an excellent guide for becoming incrementally more comfortable with ourselves and with giving ourselves the love we deserve. If this passage is a roadmap to self love, the journey begins with self observation and equanimity. 

Self Observation

As I’ve alluded to before, self love begins with the ability to be comfortable with yourself. If self love is a spectrum, then comfortability with oneself if at the low end. An indicator of this quality is your comfort level with self observation. What happens when you sit in stillness with yourself? Are you able to remain relaxed and grounded, or do you find yourself overwhelmed by emotions, anxiety, and memories? If you experience the latter, it will be beneficial to consult a qualified yoga therapist, trauma-sensitive mindfulness teacher, or somatic therapist for advice on growing your capacity for self-observation. The idea is to learn to turn your attention inward without becoming triggered and re-experiencing trauma. If you’re using meditation to do this, your meditations will be very brief at first, pulling yourself out as soon as you notice you’re starting to be uncomfortable, and then using a number of tools to re-ground yourself. If you’re using yoga to do this, you’ll begin to familiarize yourself with body sensations starting with the least threatening parts, such as the bottoms of your feet. At this point the practice is to build your confidence in observing more and more parts of yourself while feeling calm and centered. I have a blog all about this part of the process, and you can read it here. 

Self observation is important for a number of reasons. First of all, it helps us develop the “witness state,” which is accepted in both Western psychology and Eastern philosophy as a fundamental aspect of breaking away from our suffering. When we can view our thoughts, feelings, experiences, and sensations through the eyes of a spectator, there’s a greater capacity for us to stop feeling threatened by stressful situations. You can imagine yourself watching experiences play out on a movie screen, or pretend that you’re observing a friend. By doing this, you’re taking a step back and away from the illusion of who you “are,” and taking a step closer to the True Self, who is the One inside always watching. Self observation is also shown to have important neurological benefits. In the context of healing trauma, chronic pain, and digestive issues, physical self observation (interoception) stimulates the insula, a part of the brain that helps downregulate your stress response and integrate vagus nerve functioning with the higher centers of your brain. This is why mind-body modalities (such as somatic yoga therapy) can help when medicine or talk therapy does not. 

Equanimity- Upeksha

Once self observation becomes comfortable, you can start to work with Equanimity/Upeksa, which is being able to be aware of something without judging it and without pushing it away or clinging to it. At times we’ll inevitably encounter parts of ourselves that are unawakened and see that our thoughts/actions reflect this. Equanimity means we see these parts of ourselves without labeling anything as “good” or “bad.” We also don’t get caught up in a dialogue about what we think about what we see, analysis about why it’s happening, or what it means. We avoid pushing away what we don’t want or holding on to what we do want, opening up space for new perspectives to enter awareness. When we’re practicing equanimity, we’re practicing seeing things as they are, without our conditioned reactions and beliefs. 

When we’re practicing equanimity, we’re practicing seeing things as they are, without our conditioned reactions and beliefs.

Being skilled at mental equanimity will seep into ever deeper layers of ourselves, creating equanimity in the nervous system. As the mind returns intentionally to equanimity again and again, the body will soon follow. Stressful or triggering situations will gradually lose their sharpness. You’ll have more space between stimulus and reaction, which feels as though time is slowing down so you have more opportunity to choose your responses. This is how equanimity helps us live with more choice, bringing consciousness to that which was once unconscious.  

Just a quick word about detachment/dissociation…sometimes people think that equanimity means that they should feel nothing, have no opinions or preferences. That’s not equanimity, and it’s actually counterproductive. If dissociation is a pattern you have, you’re likely to bump against it in your practice, so keep an eye out. With equanimity, we can experience a wide range of emotions, sensations, and thoughts while staying centered. The point is to not judge them or create attachment/aversion. That’s it. It’s a deceptively simple practice that even the most experienced meditators continue to hone.

Self Acceptance

Equanimity supports the development of self acceptance and flows into it naturally. It’s important to accept yourself exactly as you are right now, even if there are things you would choose to change. First of all, absolutely everyone deserves to be seen, accepted, and wanted exactly as they are. No exceptions. Second, the only way to guarantee that you’ll receive this acceptance is to do it yourself. Would you reject a friend because of her imperfections? Would you tell her that her appearance or her unhealed parts make her unworthy of your time and attention? We must treat ourselves at least as well as we would treat our friends, if not better. After all, your Self is the ultimate best friend who will never leave you.  

I understand the reluctance people can feel to accept themselves as they are. I myself have struggled with my broken parts, wishing deep in my heart that I could just be someone else. I’ve starved my body and driven myself relentlessly in the pursuit of perfection. I did these things because I believed that if I did things just the right way, if I was just right, then could I accept myself. We often see contentment as something that must be earned, something that will come in the future. “When I do/have X, then I’ll be happy.” Will you wait until you’re perfect to accept yourself? Yoga guides us to find happiness that is not contingent on any external circumstance. Your heart knows that happiness is your birthright, that you’re whole and complete as you are.

Self acceptance is not the same as giving up. In our culture, there’s a mistaken belief that the only way to progress is to continuously push away the things we’re hoping to change. However, the energy of pushing away is very dense, immovable, and actually makes change extremely difficult. The nature of change is to welcome the transformation of the unawakened parts of ourselves into healthier versions of the same person. It’s not a process of getting “rid” of anything. How can something new come in when there’s a brick wall and no window? As I’ve heard many times from my friend and colleague Christa Dawson, “Love and acceptance are the platform for change.” If you like affirmations, I offer you this one:

I accept myself as I am, and I am open to change.

Self Compassion- Karuna

The word compassion means “feeling with.” The Sanskrit word karuna implies action taken in order to improve another’s happiness, expecting nothing in return. I’ve hinted at self compassion before, when I mentioned looking at yourself as a friend. This is another aspect of the word “karuna,” which implies universal friendliness. When we turn compassion inward to our own heart, it’s a healing balm. 

Just as equanimity flows naturally into acceptance, acceptance flows naturally into compassion. As we hold our thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensations in a neutral space, the very humanity that lives within us opens our hearts to an outpouring of feeling for and with the suffering that we witness. When we witness with equanimity, acceptance, and compassion, our experiences are validated. Our inherent value as precious spiritual humans is affirmed. Self compassion is the glue that reunites the splintered, offcast, and disowned parts of ourselves so that we can embody the fullness and completeness of the Self. 

Self Love- Maitri

Maitri is such a beautiful word and it means loving kindness. Many translations of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali refer to maitri as “sympathetic joy,” meaning that we should be happy and delighted for people who are doing well, without comparing ourselves to them. There’s definitely the implication that we should avoid being jealous of those who have attained more than we have either materially or spiritually. Such thoughts and feelings do nothing to further our own progress and only clutter the mind with distraction. 

On a more personal level, maitri points us to the wisdom that each being is as valuable as the next. This, surely, means that you are as valuable as all other people. As such, you deserve the same level of care and attention as all other people. The beloved prayer of loving kindness among Bhuddists and Hindus says, “May all beings everywhere be happy and at peace.” I always add, “Including me.”

May all beings everywhere be happy, including me.

It seems like in our culture, self love can sometimes be confused with self conceit, an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or superiority over others. This is especially likely to happen when someone is unknowingly overcompensating after being abused. But real love doesn’t put anyone down. There’s also the toxic notion that if someone is putting their own needs at the forefront they are being “selfish,” a term that I’d like to reclaim. If at first you feel guilty for investing time, money, and effort into your own happiness, please know that this is an old pattern in your ego that came from someone else. Persevere and the feelings of guilt will fade over time. If there’s someone in your life who shames you for making yourself a priority, reconsider the level of influence you’d like them to have in your life. 

Make Mistakes

It’s of utmost importance that you view the process of cultivating self love as a labyrinth, not a linear journey. You’ll undoubtedly make mistakes. You’ll move up and down the steps in no particular order. The most important part of loving yourself is being able to do it even when you’re imperfect. Underneath all the layers of ego there’s atman, your eternal self, which is already whole and complete. So what’s the bother if you have a few missteps? You may eventually come to delight in them. 😉

Update…

March 25, 2024

I’ll tell you something more about my journey to self-love…even after all these years I still have moments of remembering my past mistakes. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the night fretting over something I did years ago!!! Obviously, this helps no one. In difficult moments like these, I take a few deep breaths and I say this prayer…

I forgive myself for not being perfect.

Even though I’ve made mistakes,

I’m still a good person.

I care a lot about other people.

And every day I do the very best I can.

I want you to know that I’m right next to you on this path. ♥️

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• Use multiple techniques to regulate your nervous system.

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